Messed Up (Again).

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” 
Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral's Kiss

I'm tired, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I don't know anymore. Everything's messed up. My heart, My feeling, My emotions. Everything seemed to go the way i don't want it to be. I'm (still) overshadowed by my past, again. I used to think that i'm fully recovered from my past. I thought he has healed me, sadly i was wrong. I was never recovered in the first place. I was just invulnerable that i mistook it as being healed. I was never getting over my past. I'm still running together with it. 

3 years of convicting my self that i'm over it. 3 years of believing that i'm no longer caught in the shadow of my past. 3 years of effort to pull my self together. But guess what, that 3 years were just put into waste. No, it's not that my feeling comes back. I'm pretty sure i've moved on since long time ago. But it's my stubborn heart that refused to throw away every memory we spent together. The memories are still there. No matter how far i ran, how hard i tried, my heart won't just give up to keep it there. It's still there, sadly. How i wish my heart will just stop being stubborn and let every memory it has to be crushed away. 

It fucked me real bad. When i have someone else beside me, someone that has spent his 9 months with me, keeping up with my mood swing and all bad behaviors i have. When i have just created my new stage of fairytale. My damned-heart decided to ruin everything. I feel like a wicked bitcth for acting all cold and strange to the person that has been doing nothing but making me happy. I feel sorry for him, but what can i do? My stubborn, damned, fucked up and meany heart won't just stop. Yes, it has stopped beating for that bastard. Yes, it's beating for my new guy. But as i said, my heart is just plain stubborn. 

The kiss we shared together came hunting my life again. The bad days i had came like a wrecking rain. Everything from my past comes back. Not for my feeling, for sure. I don't love him anymore, but i'm not over him. I'm not over with everything we shared, we spent, we felt, and we experienced together. 

How i wish all of this will just stop. Or atleast, will just pause for a moment. Because i'm tired of being mean to this new guy. I'm tired of hurting him. I'm tired of making him feeling unloved. I want to pretend that i'm okay, that nothing happened, that my past was never there anymore, but it's hard. I can try, but i'm not going to succeed.

Now what's left is him. If i let all of this mess continue, then i might lose another important person in my life. And might as well, having new past that will hunt me when i'm not even over with the old ones.

Life sucks. Everything sucks. I just want to get some air, and breath freely from all of this pain.

I'm tired. I want to stop, but there's no halt to stop.

I guess i'm just a living creature of my overshadowed past.

"Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."

Robert H, Schuller