We only said goodbye with words.
I died a hundred times.
You go back to her.
And, i go back to us.
(Amy Winehouse - Back To Black)
I'm drowning, yet nobody cares.
It's not like i expected anything, because after years of hoping i finally got tired and stopped hoping. I learned everything the hard way but somehow it still hurts. The feeling of losing someone who's not even yours to begin with is something i'll never get used to.
I used to hope that you were coming back. That you just needed time to realize that it's us in the end. I was fooling myself into believing that there will be us in the end when i clearly ended 'us'. I'm still feeling gloomy whenever i remember that sad night. The night i foolishly ended everything. I lowkey thought you weren't actually going to leave. I guess i was wrong. Your love wasn't as strong as you claimed it to be. Still. It hurts. Seeing you happy with her, with someone not me. It feels like my heart is being ripped open and you just poured salt over it.
I love you.
Three stupid words but actually the only thing that held me back from giving up. It sounds foolish, but this love suffocates and giving me strength at the same time. That one-sided love that will never be returned after the fall-out years ago. This love in vain is breaking me as days passed. But i'm not going to regret anything. I never regretted everything i spent on you. The memories, the laughter, the happiness, the smiles, and even the heartbreaks. Because it's all worth it. Even just for a short time, loving you and had you loving me back is worth it. Even just for a short period, experiencing your love is enough. Because i know, love requires no obligation to stay together.
It may hurt now. I may cry now, but i believe it's all about to end. May it be a happy ending with you or a happy ending with no you. Someday, this ain't gonna hurt anymore. Seeing you happy with her isn't going to cause me pain anymore, Someday i'll sincerely be happy for you. Wishing you a great life with whoever you choose, as though it's not me. Someday. Though i'm hoping it's still a happy ending for us. Someday. I believe in fate. But for now, i'm gonna drown myself in the pain. Savoring what could be heartbreaks from seeing you with her.
Love like this isn't something a person could handle. But imma coping up with everything because of you. Because i believe you're worth it. This selfless love isn't something she or anyone could give you. This unconditional love is mine for you. Something you only get once in a billion years. You could never find someone like me. The girl who foolishly gave you her heart, trusted you with it, and still holding on even after you broke and ruined her numerous times. Nobody could love you like i do. Even her, the one you choose, for now. Even after you love for me, i still believe in you. So, tell me who loves you more? Me? or Her? Easy question but not something you could easily see. Imma waiting for you even if this won't be in my favor in the end. Because, who knows? what the future holds for us?
Forever Love in Vain, Alanis.
