Never Meant To Be.

“If a man is truly in love, the most beautiful woman in the world

couldn’t take him away. Maybe for a few days, but not forever.”

- Eva Gabor

It feels like yesterday.

We said goodbye, not knowing it would be the last. 

We shed tears for each other, unaware that it was finale.

I've always thought we could always find our ways back.

Thinking that maybe we just need time to figure ourselves.

To find the missing pieces and fix what we've broken.

It was never meant to end.

We could've been so much more, that much i believed.

When i said the finale word, i never meant it.

You knew that much, still it wasn't enough to make you stay.

You hurt me. You broke me. Vice Versa.

We burned each other down to the point of no return.

We destroyed each other down beyond repair. 

It was supposed to be a happy ending.

If we stopped for awhile, thinking things through.

See things clearer. See things through every angle.

If only i could turn back time, and change some.

We would never be here. The finale with a tragic ending.

We could change it. Sadly we wasted the chance away.

We brought this upon ourselves, but blaming the entire world.

Maybe. Just maybe. 

We Are Never Meant To Be.

Worked Up Too Much.

You and I have always been caught up in a twisted-love-web that we can barely escape. We've always loved each silently. Passionately. But sadly, never at the same time. I loved you first, you loved me then. But reality sucks. Things never worked out the way we wanted it to be. Life sucks. But what's new? It suckier that we could never be together no matter how much we wanted to.

I've never stopped loving you for years. Six to be exact. And i've never loved someone as much, as deep as i loved you. And you told me, the feelings were mutual. You've always loved me before you've finally decided it's time. Before you've finally moved on. With her. While i'm still stuck here. Struggling with the remembered memories of us you left me.

I've always wanted a future with you, sadly you were never the one to be able to help me to reach  it. A future with you is unreachable. It's far away. Above anything a hand could grasp. You were always out of my league and i've finally decided it's time. It's enough. I'm done. We're through. And this time for good.

But even so, i've never stopped hoping for a miracle. Never stopped believing that your heart will finally turn around. To me. Because, somehow in my already-twisted-beyond-words mind, i still believed you were it for me, as i was it for you. Even when i realized, this is pointless. That the love had waned for long and i was finally out of love with you, i stayed. I just couldn't let go. Could never forget. Could never walk too far away from you.

For long, i wondered: Why?

Why can't i just let go if i'm done? If i've had enough?

The whys kept on bugging me.

Until you came along. Giving me answer to my whys.  All along, it was the closure we never had. The closure from both parties. You and I. I was holding on for too long because there was no closure to ensure me it was really helpless and pointless to be holding on to something i could never reach. To be waiting for something i know was never mine in the first place.

You told me your stories. Your regrets and reasons, asked for my forgiveness, then told me you were happy with me. And happy now. With her. It felt oddly relieved. It felt free. I feel like i can finally breath. I've had my answer all along, i was just too blinded to admit it. And you helped me to open my eyes. To see things i was afraid to acknowledge.

And that was: I've always been mistaken. I mistook you as it when all along i was just too full with my remembered memories and too filled up with denial. But now, here i am. Finally free and happy. Thus, i'm finally letting you go. For good. Forever. I'm letting you fly free. With her. With whoever is it for you.

I've loved you, but no more. And i regretted nothing.

Someday, 2017.

 We only said goodbye with words. 

I died a hundred times. 

You go back to her.

And, i go back to us.

(Amy Winehouse - Back To Black)

I'm drowning, yet nobody cares.

It's not like i expected anything, because after years of hoping i finally got tired and stopped hoping. I learned everything the hard way but somehow it still hurts. The feeling of losing someone who's not even yours to begin with is something i'll never get used to.

I used to hope that you were coming back. That you just needed time to realize that it's us in the end. I was fooling myself into believing that there will be us in the end when i clearly ended 'us'. I'm still feeling gloomy whenever i remember that sad night. The night i foolishly ended everything. I lowkey thought you weren't actually going to leave. I guess i was wrong. Your love wasn't as strong as you claimed it to be. Still. It hurts. Seeing you happy with her, with someone not me. It feels like my heart is being ripped open and you just poured salt over it.

I love you.

Three stupid words but actually the only thing that held me back from giving up. It sounds foolish, but this love suffocates and giving me strength at the same time. That one-sided love that will never be returned after the fall-out years ago. This love in vain is breaking me as days passed. But i'm not going to regret anything. I never regretted everything i spent on you. The memories, the laughter, the happiness, the smiles, and even the heartbreaks. Because it's all worth it. Even just for a short time, loving you and had you loving me back is worth it. Even just for a short period, experiencing your love is enough. Because i know, love requires no obligation to stay together.

It may hurt now. I may cry now, but i believe it's all about to end. May it be a happy ending with you or a happy ending with no you. Someday, this ain't gonna hurt anymore. Seeing you happy with her isn't going to cause me pain anymore, Someday i'll sincerely be happy for you. Wishing you a great life with whoever you choose, as though it's not me. Someday. Though i'm hoping it's still a happy ending for us. Someday. I believe in fate. But for now, i'm gonna drown myself in the pain. Savoring what could be heartbreaks from seeing you with her.

Love like this isn't something a person could handle. But imma coping up with everything because of you. Because i believe you're worth it. This selfless love isn't something she or anyone could give you. This unconditional love is mine for you. Something you only get once in a billion years. You could never find someone like me. The girl who foolishly gave you her heart, trusted you with it, and still holding on even after you broke and ruined her numerous times. Nobody could love you like i do. Even her, the one you choose, for now. Even after you love for me, i still believe in you. So, tell me who loves you more? Me? or Her? Easy question but not something you could easily see. Imma waiting for you even if this won't be in my favor in the end. Because, who knows? what the future holds for us?

Forever Love in Vain, Alanis.

Untitled, 2017.

It can’t be if it’s not you

I can’t be without you

It’s okay if i’m hurt for a day and a year like this

It’s fine even if my heart’s hurts 

- It Has To Be You, Yesung.

It Hurts.

Knowing you've finally found someone is already bad enough for me. But witnessing it is another deal for me. It Hurts. Knowing that once again, our chance of forever has faded away. Knowing that once again, you took away the hope left for me.

You, who were supposed to be a part of my past came back and ruined me. Just like the old times. When i let you stepped on my heart like it wasn't worth it. More than once you ruined me. It would be better, if you just walked away and never came back after ruining me. But you, being the heartless jerk decided to play with me and came back, only to ruin me. Again and again. It's sad that you didn't only ruined my heart, you also ruined me the way nobody did. I, who was and still am stupidly in love with you was stupid enough to get blinded by love and let you play with my already broken-hearted. I, who was a believer of forever was fool enough to actually believe that you came back for good. When all this time, you never intended to go back with me.

I'm so frustated with myself. Even with the acknowledge that we could never be together, that you will never get back to me for good, i'm still helplessly holding on to you. Stupid as it sounds, but i'm crazily in love with you. And i'm afraid that i could never recover from it. I tried denying it before, telling myself that i'm over you, that i've moved on, but now i know better. There's no way for me to escape you. You've grown yourself deep into me, unfortunately. And you, knowing how i feel for you took advantage of it. You keep on coming back to me just for the sake of your own fun. I just somehow became a sojourn, your sojourn. And what's even funnier is the fact that i'm already satisfied even when i'm only a sojourn, when i should be angry and walk away. It's funny, isn't it?

I will always be your sojourn, never will be a priority. You will choose another girl over me. Again and again. And comeback to me for a break, only to break my heart. Again and Again. 
- Alanis, the enthusiast of love in vain.

Now, you've got yourself another girl. Another girl i never expected. It hurts knowing that you played with me before you told me you've a girlfriend already. It's funny that i actually was hoping when you all of sudden came back, told me sweet nothings, had midnight conversations with me, and another sweet things that i'm certain every girl will misunderstand as you just got yourself a girlfriend while sweet-talking and sweet-treating me. It's just funny that, even when i'm hurting i still need to hear you story about her. The story on how your relatisionships progresses when all i want to do is nothing but hope you to break it off with her.

As selfish as it sounds, i want you. I want you for me, even when i know you're hers. That i have no right to want you. But a heart can only hopes, right? I'll be here. I'll be here waiting for you and take you back when you're done with her. And as stupid as it looks, i don't care. For all i care is my happiness. And sadly, my happiness has you in it.

I just hope you will find your way back to me. Until whenever..

I hope you’ll be happy.

I couldn’t even say those common lies.

I’m only praying that you’ll come back, I’m sorry.

- Untitled 2014, Kwon Ji Yong.